I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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