I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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