ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
