Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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