ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
