I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
