i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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