I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize