It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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