You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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