All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
