my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
