I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
