I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
