Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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