i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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