At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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