I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
