Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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