so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
