Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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