Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize