when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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