hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
