it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
God gave him joint rollers for hands
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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