Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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