Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize