The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
