you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
