i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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