Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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