last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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