I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
