I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
