he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize