Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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