apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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