Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
