Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
