You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
