Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
