Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I see more hoeing in ur future
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
