Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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