Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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