i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
