It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
