The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
