just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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