Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
