So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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