so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
