um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Randomize
