This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
