And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
