and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
