is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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