honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
A bitchslap is in order.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
