I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
