the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Randomize
