Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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